2020年北京市海淀区二模情景作文独家解析
假设你是红星中学高三学生李华。请根据以下四幅图的先后顺序，以“Concert at the Balcony”为题，用英语写一篇短文向校刊“英语园地”投稿，记述上周末发生在你们小区的一个真实故事。
注意：词数不少于60。
刘凯老师解析情景作文：
今年海淀二模主要以参加“阳台音乐会”为主题，既贴合考生们的日常生活，又紧跟当下热点。四幅图的要点分别是：
1.“听到窗外的音乐”；
2.“看到他人在阳台演奏小提琴”；
3.“邻居纷纷加入演唱和伴奏”；
4.“活动结束，挥手告别”。
同学们首先要注意审图，切忌审错、审漏图内的要点和细节；第二，在保证要点齐全的前提下,适当添加细节，注意情节的连贯性，同时关注文章开篇概括内容、结尾主题升华【睦邻友好】。第三，文章中要体现句式的多样性、以及用词的准确性和丰富性。在适当增加长难句的同时，需要对非谓语动词、三大从句及特殊句式进行灵活运用。另外，写完之后要注意检查，避免低级语法错误和单词拼写错误。
Concert at the Balcony要点
琴声入耳(heard the music)：
上周日/书房/写作业/窗外美妙柔和的小提琴声/心情（无聊，放松，缓解疲劳……）
last Sunday, study, homework, soft/pleasant music of the violin, bored,
relaxed, refreshed…
循声而至(located/spotted the player)
走到阳台/对面小伙子在阳台上拉小提琴,专注陶醉/曲声悠扬/兴奋不已
wandered to the balcony, played the violin, across from, beautiful melody, was immersed/ lost in music, absorbed/thrilled
合奏演唱/举办音乐会(sang & played/concert)
纷纷加入：小姑娘弹奏吉他/应声而和/我不禁低声吟唱(引吭高歌)，
歌声美妙，像舞台上真正演唱的专业歌手和乐手一样，认真投入，
尽情表演，就像台下有众多观众瞩目
joined, played the guitar, sang to the music/ rhythm, hummed, sang at the top of my voice/ heartily, melodious/pure voice, staged a live concert as if on a stage with audience, performed to my heart’s content, the flowing melody & youthful passion left me with an endless aftertaste
挥手致意/鼓掌/告别(waved/clapped /said goodbye)
一曲终了,音乐盛宴，心满意足，意犹未尽，相约下次
came to an end, a feast of music, was reluctant to leave, looked forward to
主题升华
音乐让人放松、陶醉
音乐有如粘合剂/桥梁，把邻里聚集在一起，让邻里关系和谐、自然、亲切
音乐的魅力（感染力，凝聚力，激励……）
发现美无处不在
积极参与美、创造美
打造和谐生活（邻里关系）……
评分原则
要点齐全，有话可说，细节，情感
生成性、即兴创作
基本功
第一档（18-20分）
完全完成了试题规定的任务。
覆盖所有内容要点。
运用了多样的句式和丰富的词汇。
语法结构或词汇方面有些许错误，但为尽力使用较复杂结构或较高级词汇所致；体现了较强的语言运用能力。
有效地使用了语句间的连接成分，使全文内容连贯、结构紧凑。
完全达到了预期的写作目的。
20分
语言生动，富有美感
行文流畅，一气呵成
立意新颖，书写清爽
有个别时态错误，堪称佳作。
20分
语言形象生动，句式丰富饱满，结合疫情建群、举办音乐会合理，自圆其说。
个别语言错误，瑕不掩瑜。
19分
开头新颖；内容详实；情感丰富；首尾呼应
19分
句式词汇丰富，过渡衔接自然。（粗心）
18分
语言流畅，灵活运用积累，句式词汇，训练有素。
复习建议
1.分析
2.提升
3.稳定
4.冲刺
主题明确、结构清晰,要点准确、细节合理
基本功（拼写+基本句式）；非智力因素（书写，分段，缩进，…）
有效训练，少讲精炼，分析文本；改写、重写；阅读和完形中积累整理
翻译：词组细节
衔接情感
……
一、评分原则：
1．本题总分为 20 分，按 5 个档次给分。
2．评分时，先根据文章的内容和语言质量初步确定其档次，然后以该档次的要求来衡 量，确定或调整档次，最后给分。
3．评分时应考虑：内容要点的完整性、上下文的连贯、词汇和句式的多样性及语言的 准确性。
4．拼写、标点符号或书写影响内容表达时，应视其影响程度予以考虑。英、美拼写及 词汇用法均可接受。
5．词数少于 60，从总分中减去 1 分。
参考Possible version 1:
Last weekend, an unexpected concert at the balcony made my day.上周末，阳台上一场意想不到的音乐会让我很开心。
On Sunday afternoon, when I was taking a break from my schoolwork, a clearmelody flowed in from the outside. It magically refreshed my tired mind and aroused my curiosity.
Hoping to find its source, I went to the balcony. A young man was playing hisviolin on the balcony across from mine, his eyes half closed in full enjoyment of the tune. Amazed by his playing, I listened on and was absorbed.
Unexpectedly, to the melody of the violin was added a wonderful chord of guitarfrom another neighbor. At this scene, I couldn’t help singing along and was surprisedwhen a girl also joined with her pure voice of a child. We hardly knew one another,but in our perfect harmony, we felt like old friends connected by our shared love ofmusic. Our little concert went on and on, fascinating the whole community.
With a closing chord on the guitar, the concert ended. We smiled and waved toeach other as if we had just woken up from a sweet dream of music. Our shared memory of the concert at the balcony would not fade away, from which I felt the power of music to inspire and connect people. 随着吉他的结束和弦，音乐会结束了。我们微笑着向对方挥手，仿佛我们刚从音乐的美梦中醒来。我们对阳台音乐会的共同记忆不会淡忘，从中我感受到了音乐的力量，它鼓舞着人们，将人们联系在一起。(213 words)
参考Possible version 2:
Last weekend, a special concert took place in my neighborhood. The uplifting music and heartwarming neighborliness kept resonating in my mind.上周末，在我家附近举行了一场特别的音乐会。令人振奋的音乐和温馨的邻里情谊一直在我的脑海中回荡。
Last Saturday afternoon, I was bored at home doing homework when a piece of beautiful music flowed into my room and refreshed me immediately. Since the outbreak of the virus, everything has gone virtual, so I hurried to my balcony to check it out.
The melody led me to locate the violinist in seconds: a teenage boy playing My Motherland and I on his balcony. Although it was not perfect, the organic sound of the violin and his deep affection stunned me. I was lost in his music. Before I realized it, aguitar joined! The guitar from a young lady downstairs gave the music a more livelytone. I couldn’t help humming the familiar tune when I suddenly heard someone singing clearly and cheerfully. There was another girl volunteering as the vocalist ofthis mini band! Inspired by all of them, I started singing loudly. The four of us stageda live balcony concert as if on a stage with audience!
When the concert came to an end, we applauded each other’s wonderful performance and waved at each other enthusiastically. “Take care!” “Looking forwardto the next performance!” were echoing in the community.
As the whole nation and even the whole world were struggling to get used to life with restrictions while fighting against the virus, lots of fabulous ideas were produced to boost people’s morale. This heartening balcony concert in my neighborhood truly entertained me and rallied the optimistic spirit. 当整个国家，甚至整个世界都在努力适应有限制的生活的同时，与病毒作斗争，产生了许多令人难以置信的想法来鼓舞人们的士气。在我家附近的这个令人振奋的阳台音乐会确实给我带来了欢乐，鼓舞了我乐观的精神。(263)
【刘凯老师解析】【分析】这是一篇记叙文，要求学生根据图片叙述上周末发生在小区的一个真实故事。
【刘凯老师详解】第一步：审题
体裁：应用文；时态：根据提示，时态应为一般过去时。
结构：总分法
总分法指把主题句作总说，把经过作为分说，并以这种方式安排所写内容。
要求：1. 表明主旨：上周在阳台上的音乐会。
2. 具体经过
1）是谁？2）在哪里？3) 发生了什么？4) 结果如何？
第二步:列提纲 （重点词组）
take a break from；refresh one’s mind；arouse one’s curiosity；be amazed by；at this scene；couldn’t help doing；each other；as if；fade away
第三步：连词成句
1. Last weekend, an unexpected concert at the balcony made my day.
2. On Sunday afternoon, when I was taking a break from my schoolwork, a clear melody flowed in from the outside.
3. It magically refreshed my tired mind and aroused my curiosity.
4. Hoping to find its source, I went to the balcony.
5. A young man was playing his violin on the balcony across from mine, his eyes half closed in full enjoyment of the tune.
6. Amazed by his playing, I listened on and was absorbed.
7. Unexpectedly, to the melody of the violin was added a wonderful chord of guitar from another neighbor.
8. At this scene, I couldn’t help singing along and was surprised when a girl also joined with her pure voice of a child.
9. We hardly knew one another, but in our perfect harmony, we felt like old friends connected by our shared love of music.
10. Our little concert went on and on, fascinating the whole community.
11. With a closing chord on the guitar, the concert ended.
12. We smiled and waved to each other as if we had just woken up from a sweet dream of music. 13. Our shared memory of the concert at the balcony would not fade away, from which I felt the power of music to inspire and connect people.
根据提示及关键词（组）进行遣词造句，注意主谓一致和时态问题。
第四步：连句成篇（衔接词）
1.表文章结构顺序：First of all, Firstly/First, Secondly/Second… And then, Finally, In the end, At last
2.表并列补充关系：What is more, Besides, Moreover, Furthermore, In addition As well as, not only…but (also), including,
3.表转折对比关系：However, On the contrary, but, Although+clause(从句), In spite of+n/doing,On the one hand…,On the other hand… Some…,while others…,as for, so…that…
4.表因果关系：Because, As, So, Thus, Therefore, As a result
连句成文，注意使用恰当的连词进行句子之间的衔接与过渡，书写一定要规范清晰，
第五步：润色修改
【刘凯老师点睛】范文内容完整，要点全面，语言规范，语篇连贯，词数适当，上下文意思连贯，符合逻辑关系。作者在范文中使用了较多高级句式，如：Amazed by his playing, I listened on and was absorbed.这句话运用了ed形式做状语，With a closing chord on the guitar, the concert ended.
这句话用了with的复合结构；使用了一些固定词组，如take a break from；refresh one’s mind；arouse one’s curiosity；be amazed by；at this scene；couldn’t help doing；each other；as if；fade away等。全文中没有中国式英语的句式，显示了很高的驾驭英语的能力。另外，文章思路清晰、层次分明，上下句转换自然，为文章增色添彩。
刘凯老师介绍：刘凯，男，蒙古族，黑龙江省齐齐哈尔人。本科为哈尔滨师范大学英语系，硕士为北京理工大学。美国亚利桑那大学访问学者，澳大利亚新兰威尔士大学ESL研修。2018年加州理工学院语言学双学位获得者。
北京市优秀青年教师，北京市级重点高中示范校骨干教师，多年高中一线执教经验，高三年级把关教师，多次参与东城区模拟试题命题工作，教学理念先进，教学成果突出，多篇教学论文获市区级奖项。
教育部课题研究员，参与国家十二五课题计划，并作出突出贡献，参与初中、高中各年级区级试题的命制，多次承担区级和市级研究课任务。
北京市科技英语优秀指导教师，所带学生在各级英语口语、作文竞赛中多次获奖；刘凯老师将扎实的英语基本功和严谨的学术思想作为教学的基础，课堂上善于寓教于乐，信息量大，内容丰富，使学生在和谐的课堂气氛下欣赏英语、享受英语、掌握英语、运用英语。
多次参加高考阅卷工作，参与人民教育出版社、北京教育出版社、外研社等各类高考教学用书的编写工作，有丰富的备考经验，国际核心期刊发表多篇论文。
2009-2012年期间，多次受邀在北京广播电台主持英语高考大纲解析及英语新课程改革节目，学术功底深厚，兼具偶像派与实力派特点，教风亲切洒脱，诙谐幽默，思维开阔，屡有奇思妙想，善于引导学生学以致用，对高考动向把握极其准确，深受学生和家长欢迎。尤其擅长英语语法和单词记忆法。
